Disenfranchised Grief

In my last post I wrote a little bit about loss and grief. It’s funny how I usually see those two words put together with grief before loss, ‘grief and loss’, but that doesn’t resonate with me. Loss has to come before grief, or can I grieve something that I don’t think has been lost?

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the losses I've experienced and how they've shaped me. There were things that happened in my life that did not fit into my definition of loss but I dug a little deeper.

I was adopted when I was six weeks old. My adopted Mother had serious mental health issues and was hospitalized often. I remember my Dad having to bake the bread for the play we put on in 2nd grade, and my Mom’s best friend having to step in for that class all us girls had to sit through when we got old enough to learn about our periods. The time our dog got hit by a car and died and I was told to tell no one. I can sit here now and tell you there was a lot of loss in those experiences, but since no one acknowledged them as losses, I carried on with that pain in me like it belonged there.

Disenfranchised grief.

According to the Center for the Study of Traumatic Stress, Disenfranchised grief (DG) refers to "Grief that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, socially supported, or that is misunderstood or trivialized” .*

And all those experiences I mentioned, fit that bill. Loss over what never was but should have, could have been. Intangible losses, unseen losses, and real losses I was told to keep to myself.

I’ve learned there are many types of grief. This knowledge has validated my losses so much that I can now allow the emotional energy to be released It’s not easy but there is something that draws me back to that sense of being a small, young, eager and innocent child, and want to honor her by saying now- Yes, you were hurt there. Yes, that was scary and made you feel different from all the other girls. But yes, you were then, and you are now, so loveable and worthy of letting go of this pain. I acknowledge this for you.

In this collective season of winter and Hanukkah and Christmas and Kwanzaa, of looking forward, and reflecting back, I want to share what I’ve learned with you because we all deserve validation, catharsis, and healing.

Disenfranchised grief.

Stop crying, it's not that big of a deal.

Tell no one.

He was only a co-worker you knew decades ago.

You’ll be fine not having kids. They’re too expensive any way.

You are so lucky you were adopted.

Just keep this between us.

It was just a job and you didn’t love it anyway.

That happened a long time ago, move on.

To answer my own question- Yes, I can grieve something that I don’t think has been lost. My heart knows loss whether I acknowledge it or not. The more important question here is why do I dismiss my grief because someone says it isn’t so, or why do I tell someone else they don’t have a reason to grieve?

This is a tough subject for sure. I don’t take it lightly, and will post more about the other types of grief because if it gives you an opportunity to heal, that’s all that matters. I will also add some loss and grief resources on the site soon :)

Big smiles and much love,

Elisha