Last week I went for a walk

Last week I had an assignment. I was to go to the shopping plaza down the street and interact with people. That was it. Simple.

Only it wasn’t so much.

Having a lot of time leads to a lot of reflection. What I have been reflecting on lately is how I have become the person I am today. Not in every way, but the way that has been bothering me for a while now.

There was a time when I considered myself to be a nice person. I remember one moment specifically from a long time ago, saying goodbye to a client. It was something about that interaction that made me say to myself, wow, I am a really nice person. It’s an embarrassing think to confess, but it’s important because I haven’t thought that about myself in a long time, and I knew it.

I knew I had become less patient, less tolerant, less friendly, and definitely less wanting people to interact with me out in public. And this bothered me.

I think I had become the culmination of all the unnecessary and unkind comments made to me, or about me, rude drivers, being dismissed, lied to, hurt, disappointed, I could go on but you get the point.

I could see it in my face and felt it aged me; truly added years to my countenance. I don’t really know how long I had been walking around with such a defensive posture.

I had two choices-I could stay that way, blame others and use their behaviors as the excuse for what I had become.

Or I could fight to end the cognitive dissonance that waged inside between the who I was, and the who I wanted to be; was.

So I took the time to lean in. The ‘no stone uncovered’ approach, I examined it all.

Then I had to forgive. First, myself. I was sorry for anytime I had made someone feel a way when my countenance belied my real intentions. I was sorry for appearing standoffish, when I just was lost in thought. I was sorry for not wanting to get to know people because really I was just expecting I would end up hurt. I was sorry I had added to the problems of this cold world we sometimes live in.

Then I forgave others. I went through the list of big hurts and small slights. I forgive them daily, and will continue to do so until I actually feel the bitterness and sadness are gone.

So then came the assignment. If I want to live in a world of kindness, I have to be kind myself. I can’t preach about it, complaint about it, and not doing anything about it. I need to be the change I wish to see in the world (Gandhi). It’s also nice and everything to think you’ve changed, but it needs to be tested, improved, tested again, until it just becomes you.

I deliberately chose to wear one of my oldest and favorite hoodies, it has HOPE written across the chest. I walked to the plaza and went into Kohl’s, unzipping my jacket so others could see the front of the hoodie. I then did this very strange thing of talking to strangers. I asked one woman about the sequin dress in her shopping cart; it was for her Christmas party. I laughed with one person about a silly sweater they were selling for the holidays, and commiserated with a man over the price of socks.

I left Kohl’s and as I neared Five Below (insert heart emoji), I saw a woman at the curb throwing cardboard boxes in her SUV. I asked her if she needed help, and she launched into her story about needing the boxes because she was being forced to leave her home due to her divorce. Hers was not a pretty story, and she wasn’t getting relief any time soon. We talked at that curb for over an hour. I was thinking to myself, well, I wasn’t expecting this, what would I say to her if she was my client, this is an awful thing that she’s telling me she is going through, what can I say to make it better? I shared a bit about my experiences with divorce and legal battles and ex-husbands, and we met each other in that space of similar stories and empathy.

And then she stops me dead in my tracks and says, “I love your sweatshirt. It says HOPE”. No, I didn’t cry on the spot. I knew then that this was no random encounter, and that my assignment was exactly about this moment. I can be kind, I can be generous in spirit, I can listen to a stranger and hold space for them, I can be nice!

It’s taken me a week to write about this. Honestly, I was in such awe over the whole thing, I needed it to settle. The confirmation I felt in that moment when she mentioned my sweatshirt that I had done the right thing, that I was obedient to my spirit prompting me to leave the house that day on assignment, was overwhelming. I am so grateful.

I share this hoping it is encouraging to you. We can do the hard things, become who we want to be, and make a huge difference in this world. It just takes a little bit of courage, a walk to a shopping center, and a conversation with someone who blesses you more than they know :)

Big smiles,

Elisha