Ambiguous Loss
We’re well on our way into December and I’m wondering how everyone is doing. It has gotten dramatically cold here in Connecticut, with the temperatures dropping into the teens. Definitely not incentive to go for a walk but I remind myself I can have victory over the weather with the right clothing and the right pair of shoes.
We've been talking lately about loss and grief, this being part three of a series. I wish I could say loss is simple and uncomplex, but I can't. Just as diverse as we are as people, is as diverse as our losses are.
In the 1970's, Dr. Pauline Boss coined the term "ambiguous loss". I'm not unfamiliar with the word ambiguous, I've used it a time or two, but in the context of loss it confused me, so I had to go back to my trusted dictionary.
According to Merriam Webster, ambiguous is defined as, "Capable of being understood in two or more possible senses or ways", and "Difficult to discern or categorize". And then it made sense.
When a person is physically absent but psychologically present, or is psychologically absent but physically present, both definitions fit.
Ambiguous loss happens in situations where closure is unlikely. When your best friend no longer remembers who you are because of Alzheimer's, or the person you married no longer exists because of their addiction, or my child is never the same after a traumatic brain injury. We have lost something, but not to death. This is psychological absence.
When a spouse doesn't return from combat and whereabouts are unknown, a child is given up for adoption, or a brother is in jail for life, this is physical absence.
Closure, if ever was a real thing, is elusive in a situation that is capable of being understood in two or more possible senses or ways, or when a situation is difficult to discern or categorize. For me, this means in the unknown there is potential for change, a desired outcome, so how can I be expected to move on?
Staying firmly rooted in past dreams and reality is not a solution.
Giving up hope would be a reaction, but it is not a response.
Dr. Boss outlines six guidelines to begin the process of healing:
Finding Meaning
Adjusting Mastery
Reconstructing Identity
Normalizing Ambivalence
Revising Attachment
Discovering New Hope
This is not an undertaking anyone should do alone. There are so many qualified clinical and spiritual leaders out there who can guide you, hold your pain and confusion, and help you discover new hope. You can learn more about Dr. Boss’s work by clicking on her name above.
Big smiles and love,
Elisha