Hello darkness my old friend

Depression stopped by this week.

 It had been a while since we'd seen each other.  

It didn't show up at my front door announcing its arrival; it had been keeping me company stealthily, as good depressions do.

It used to be that it was always around, a tangible presence like a heavy suitcase tethered to my back, making a small but discernible thud with every step I took.

Last year, when I blamed the combination of anti-depressants mixed with a fast-paced, adrenaline-fueled, shitty work environment, on my latest 72 hours without sleep, I waived a white flag and said, ‘Come on depression. It's been a minute, but will you help me sleep?’. And as I waited for the withdrawal shoe to drop, I found my depression missing from its post, leaving me surprised and aware- maybe it's gone for good? Or was it ever really there?  

But neither of those were true, because whether it's clinical or situational, depression isn't ever too far away from visiting. It's funny how its appearance this week brought me a small sense of comfort once I named it. I welcomed the relief of not demanding more from myself than I was capable. I welcomed the sense of familiarity it brought, like a long lost friend, but this time, this time was different because once its form became visible sitting there on the couch beside me, it no longer held me captive by its hiddenness.  

And I named the violent illness that catapulted me out of bed at 1:00 AM that Monday morning.  

And I named the disappointment and anger that joined me that same morning when I read the ‘went with another candidate’ e-mail for a role I thought was perfect for me. 

I named the suppressed fear that came with it, telling me I wouldn’t be able to stay afloat without it.  

I named the frustration and sorrow that came with relationships that week that didn't show up the way I needed them to, wanted them to, and hoped for them to.  

I even named the anxiety that tagged along when I give a training on a subject I know very well, despite this being exactly what I had prayed for.  

As all that were called by name were drawn from the shadows and forced into the light, I finally had the strength to be a good host and say,

Welcome, what can I get you?

p.s/ this is only a tiny snapshot of my depression journey. i am grateful to still be here. i write hoping someone reads and feels less alone. there is so much out there that can help you name yours and move it out of the shadows into a place where light can get through. check out my resource page here.

elisha :)