Unspoken Answers

What do you do when you need answers but there aren't any?

What do you do when someone has the answers but refuses to share?

I was thinking about situations in my life, past and present, that have left me with so many questions. This makes me frustrated, to say the least, because the people who hold the answers, aren’t telling.

We've all been there.

The reason why they ended the relationship doesn't come.

The reason they left you out of an important decision isn't provided.

Why you weren't chosen for the job, or the promotion, or asked to join everyone else on the trip, is never divulged.

The question to why they ghosted you left on read.

In life we are faced with many things that cannot be explained. The bigger, broader questions of life, death, or why the world seems to fight against itself, will always be a mystery. But somehow the questions don't possess us; we ponder, maybe discuss, then move on until the next time. The largeness of the unknown is a reality we seem more able to accept than the best friend who is only a few miles away, but has cancelled you from her life without speaking a word. That, is a harder pill to swallow.

Since there is almost always an opportunity to provide clarification when our actions affect another person, to withhold that information feels like a deliberate act of cruelty. We need to be braver when it comes to our decisions that have an impact on others. Brave in a sense of not just acting without telling. Short of information that would cause irreparable harm to that person, there is no excuse for withholding. I suspect these are actions they know weren't honorable, or fair, or even legal, so the real truth gets withheld indefinitely.

Our brains are wired for information. This data helps our limbic system feel safe. Ambiguity leaves the brain seeking conclusions so we create our own, possibly untrue narratives. When we lack answers, we keep creating possibilities, one hypothesis after the other. It's an awful loop of the imagination to be stuck in, and can highjack the brain's ability to think about other things.

So where does the leave us?

Are you familiar with the Serenity Prayer? A truncated version of it is often recited at the end of 12-step meetings:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

I accept that I can't undo the not knowing. This takes time and frequent reminders that the most important piece of the information is available; this person has made it very clear they are not worth giving up my dignity in this pursuit.

I have the courage to reflect daily on my role and input in this world, and to change what needs changing.

I have the wisdom to know the difference between respect versus disrespect.

And I find serenity when I lean in on the love, support, and care of those who value me enough to always answer the questions.

Smiles,

Elisha